We’ve all heard about narcissists, that they are full of their own self-importance, that they are selfish and quite annoying to be around. What we don’t hear about is the damage they can do to the people closest to them.
For the past couple of years, I have worked with many clients who have a narcissist in their life, whether that be a partner, parent, sibling or friend.
Recently, a young man came to see me who, over the past few years, has realised that what he grew up with was not right. Both his parents are narcissists and now, even as an adult, he is unable to voice an opinion, share his likes, dislikes or passions. As a child, he tried speaking up for himself but that was met with such contempt that he learned to hold his feelings and thoughts down, which sadly, is what can be so damaging for a child. In not being validated or acknowledged, children grow into adults who don’t know what they feel, or think and continually second guess themselves because they were always told what they were allowed to think or feel. This creates an insecurity that can be hard to overcome.
One of the big tell-tale signs that you are with a narcissist is their over inflated sense of self-importance, their sense of higher status and that rules don’t apply to them. I’ve been working with a very special young lady who has been in a few abusive relationships with narcissistic men. When we started working together, she had no sense of her own self-worth because these men had manipulated her into thinking she deserved to be treated badly, that she needed them and without them, she’d be nothing. We have worked on reconnecting her with own self-value, self- esteem and her self-worth.
It’s been tough because she grew up with a narcissistic mother who never validated her feelings, who never told her she was special, who pushed her aside for her own gain. Often, this is why people unconsciously seek other narcissists; because they bring up that familiar feeling of low self-worth. They confirm what the individual always thought, have been taught – that they don’t deserve to be respected.
My role as therapist is to mirror to the client that they are worthy and deserve better. It’s about pushing against that deep seated lack of self-respect, and, with hard work, can be done. This brave and courageous woman now stands up for herself, she values herself and knows what she truly deserves and that is the most important thing for someone who has been manipulated and coerced by a narcissist.
I am happy to report that this woman is now in a healthy relationship with a man who treats her kindly and most importantly, she’s not afraid to call him on any sign of disrespect.
Living with a narcissist is tough but there are ways to protect ourselves, which include trusting our own judgement by nurturing ourselves; setting our own boundaries and sticking with them; spending time with people who care about us and, don’t take it personally – you are just the object upon which a narcissist projects their behaviour, to name a few. If you can end the relationship, do it – they are highly unlikely to change and you deserve better.
If you know someone who is being manipulated in a relationship, please pass my details on. There are many great reads about this subject which can help you see why you behave the way you do, why you may feel like everyone else is more important than you and how you are never to blame for their behaviour.
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