When I was still training to be a psychotherapist, I started a placement at a cancer support centre in Surrey. I was still learning theories and how to be with clients. I knew this is what I wanted to do so took every client as a gift and new challenge to learn from and to help.
I met a mum whose son had cancer. She was really struggling to manage the overwhelming feelings she was having and on her sixth or seventh session, she disclosed to me that she was sexually abused by her brother-in-law when she was younger. Suddenly it felt as if all the puzzle pieces fell into place. Suddenly her handling of her son’s illness, made sense.
She was adamant she was never going to tell anyone else or press charges against the man.
I worked with this incredibly brave lady for almost two years until I left to have my youngest child. By then my client was ready to press charges against the abuser and had told her husband and family what had happened. She had found the strength to speak up and be heard and, in the process, reconnected with other members of her family who had also been abused.
A few months later, I was asked for my notes from our sessions as I had always said I’d support her if she went to the police and she had. I was so proud of her – she had held this secret for almost 40 years, trying to live in its shadow. The man was accused and sent to prison.
Since then, I have had the honour of working with a number of clients who were abused as children. They have taught me so much about determination, courage and real superhero strength. Surviving child abuse means they are some of the strongest people I have ever met.
Sexual child abuse, like most traumas, changes the way the brain is wired and impacts on how someone grows up as an adult. However, it does not define who they are.
The therapeutic relationship is paramount to any kind of success within the therapy room. Working with abuse, I have found that trust is key. I know I wouldn’t want to divulge my deepest and darkest secret to someone I didn’t trust.
Trust provides that safe space of unconditional acceptance, compassion and a willingness to truly hear. So many children weren’t believed years ago, so being heard now as the adult is exceptionally important and helps survivors get back to trusting themselves which helps them reconnect with who they are again.
Childhood trauma profoundly affects the way the brain organises and processes its experience. But child abuse does not define who you are and recovery from the trauma is the best revenge.
You can take back your power.
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